Touch Me
by maigonokaze
Summary: The night before Stef's double mastectomy, she and Lena find a quiet moment to themselves. Stef knows that she is making the right decision for her by having the mastectomy and she wants to savor Lena's touch on her breasts while she can. Femslash February 2016


Stef couldn't think about work. She went through her day in a haze. She accomplished nothing and, to be honest, her partner would have gotten more done if she hadn't been there. But Stef had to work today, because starting tomorrow she wouldn't be able to. This time tomorrow she would be on an operating table, out cold under anesthesia while the surgeon performed a bilateral prophylactic mastectomy.

The lymphectomy or mastectomy decision was only one in a long list of choices. After that first one, it got a little easier. Lena sat beside her in the doctor's office and held her hand while the doctor walked her through each different step and the associated risk. Were there any cancerous or precancerous cells in her lymph nodes? What about in her chest wall muscles? If they had to remove any of the muscle underneath her breast, how would that impact her long term strength and mobility? Did she want to keep her skin? Her nipples?

Stef held it all together. She made each decision as she needed to, going in for test after test.

No, there was nothing in her lymph nodes. No, there was no need to remove her chest wall muscles. Yes, she could keep her breast skin if they did immediate reconstructive surgery while she was still under anesthesia from the mastectomy. Yes, there was a chance she could keep her nipples - again, only if she had immediate reconstructive surgery. Even if she did, there was a 40-70% chance she would never regain sensation. Lena tried to look at it positively: 30-60% of women did regain some sensation and erectile function. Even when Lena put it that way, all Stef could hear was the "some."

Her oncologist recommended radiation to eradicate the stage zero cells already in her breast. She would not be able to have immediate reconstructive surgery.

The surgeon would remove all of her breast tissue and cut away enough skin that they would be able to sew the wound closed flat over her chest. Undergoing radiation made her a less than ideal candidate for a nipple-sparing mastectomy. The surgeon would cut those away too.

Then after her radiation was complete, she would have to face the next round of decisions for breast reconstruction. Stef didn't even have it in her to think about reconstruction right now. Her breasts felt like loaded guns aimed at her chest and she wanted them gone. After the mastectomy, after the radiation, after the danger had passed, _then_ she would be able to think about reconstruction - about implants and grafting skin and tattooed areolae and fake nipples. Right now she couldn't think about it.

But she also couldn't _not_ think about it, which is why her partner drove them back to the station three hours before her shift ended and the captain sent her home. She said Stef would be paid for the full work day; which was really the only reason she came in today at all. After surgery, she was facing a 3-6 week recovery time. Stef had enough saved up sick leave to cover about a week of that, and another week and a half of vacation time. After that, she would be on unpaid leave. And they would have hospital bills to deal with, even as they were still paying off the legal fees from Callie and Jude's adoptions.

Stef pulled into the driveway and sat in her car for a moment. Lena was at home, and her mom. The kids were all there too - odd for a Sunday afternoon when they usually would have been out with friends.

The evening passed in a blur. Lena and the kids and Mike and Sharon all offered comfort in their own way. Stef kept a brave face and made it through.

* * *

Stef stepped out of the shower. The kids had all gone to bed early. She was fairly certain her mother had something to do with that - and right now she and Lena were happy to have Sharon here to help take care of the kids.

She wiped the steam off the mirror and stared at herself. This was the last night she would have her own breasts. This would be the last time she looked at her body like this.

Tears pricked at her eyes, but Stef refused to let them fall. She started straight into the mirror, stone-faced as she surveyed her body.

She turned away. She couldn't look any longer without falling apart, and she couldn't afford to fall apart right now. She hung her towel on the hook and went out into the bedroom.

As Stef reached into the closet for her pajamas, she heard Lena walk into the bedroom. Stef stood still, pajamas forgotten, as Lena came over to stand behind her and wrap her arms around her middle. Lena pressed a soft kiss to Stef's shoulder.

"I'm ready for this to be over," Stef said. "Just get it done and put it behind us."

Lena rested her chin on Stef's shoulder. "I know, love." The surgery would be done with tomorrow at least. The radiation and reconstruction would take longer, but the real threat was in the breast tissue and once that was gone, they would both be able to breathe easier.

Stef placed one hand over Lena's and moved it up her body. She sighed as Lena's fingers cupped her breast. Stef pressed down, holding her own hand over Lena's tight against her. "After tomorrow I won't be able to feel again," she whispered. "Not like this."

She turned to face Lena, still holding their hands together over one breast.

Lena nodded. It was more than likely that Stef would have some sensation afterward, but Stef was right. It wouldn't feel the same. "I won't be able to feel-" Stef squeezed her hand over Lena's and leaned forward into Lena's hand. Lena swept her thumb across Stef's nipple. "This. You." She blinked and looked down.

Lena wrapped her free arm around her and kissed her on the forehead. Stef trembled. She buried her face against Lena's shoulder, their arms still crushed between them against her breast.

"Oh, my love," Lena breathed. Her beautiful, brave, strong love who was hurting so badly right now and still always tried to shoulder everything herself. She stroked Stef's hair and rested her cheek against the top of her head. "My sweet love."

Stef's hand fell away from where it held Lena's to her breast. She wrapped both arms around Lena, clutching at her shoulders and twisting the fabric of her shirt in her fists.

Lena felt Stef's tears against her neck. She wove her fingers through Stef's hair, still wet from her shower. She gripped tight, holding her wife to her as though nothing could touch Stef as long as she was in Lena's arms. "What can I do?" she asked. Her voice shook.

Stef eased back in their embrace, just enough to look at Lena. "Touch me." Her voice cracked over the words.

Lena moved them together toward to their bed and Stef sat on the edge. She watched as Lena went to lock the bedroom door. She didn't think any of the kids would come knocking tonight, but with five children, it was always a safe bet to lock the door.

Lena walked back toward Stef. She dropped to her knees fully-clothed, settling between Stef's bare thighs. She placed her hands on Stef's hips.

Stef looked down and their eyes locked as Lena slid her hands up. Lena caressed up her sides and ribs. She moved slowly, her fingers ghosting over Stef's skin.

When Lena's thumbs first brushed the underside of her breasts, Stef whimpered and her eyes fluttered closed.

Lena stopped. She reached up for Stef, holding her face in both hands. She waited. When Stef's eyes opened again, they shone with moisture.

Stef swallowed and the corner of her mouth quivered. She nodded.

This time when Lena touched her, Stef gasped. They breathed in unison as Lena cupped her breasts.

Lena rolled her fingers around Stef's breasts, her fingers digging into her skin. Stef moaned and she did it again, harder.

Lena stretched up to kiss Stef tenderly on the lips, then moved down. She dropped a line of soft kisses on her jaw… throat… collar… chest. When Lena's mouth finally closed over one nipple, Stef sucked a breath in through her teeth. She would never feel this again. No matter what skin sensation she would have after the reconstruction, her nipples would be gone forever. She choked back a sob.

Lena looked up, a question in her eyes. Stef threaded her fingers through Lena's hair, curling her hand around the back of her neck. "Don't stop," Stef whispered.

Lena trapped her nipple tight between her teeth and flicked her tongue. Stef hissed and Lena pulled back immediately, looking up at her with concern.

"No," Stef shook her head. "Harder," she begged. She needed to _feel_. Everything. If she could never feel Lena's mouth on her breasts like this again, she wanted to feel everything tonight.

Lena worshiped every inch of skin with her fingers and tongue - with gentle kisses and caresses, with rough groping and sharp nips of her teeth.

Stef moaned and gasped, melting under Lena's touch. She lay back on the bed and Lena followed, finally shedding her own clothes before stretching out beside Stef.

"Lena." Stef rolled on her side, curling toward Lena. She couldn't stop the tears and she had given up on trying. They leaked out of the corners of her eyes and slid down to pool on Lena's outstretched arm underneath her head. "Will you-" she hesitated.

"Anything," Lena whispered. "Anything, my love."

"...mark me."

Now it was Lena who hesitated. "Will that make a difference for your surgery tomorrow?" She honestly didn't know. Did a hickey count as an injury that they would wait until it healed before performing the operation?

The corners of Stef's mouth pulled down. "I don't see why," she said. "They are going to cut them off anyway."

Lena's lip quivered and she glanced away. She knew this was Stef's way of dealing, but the callous mention of tomorrow's surgery pierced her heart.

When she looked back up, Stef was watching her. "Please." The word slipped past Stef's lips. "I want… I want to feel you on me. I w- want to see your touch on my skin." She didn't say it, but they both heard the unspoken thought: _until they cut it away_.

Lena pressed her lips to the top of Stef's breast and sucked, pulling the skin against her teeth. She wrapped her arms around Stef and held her tight.

"Ahh!" Stef gasped. She gripped Lena's arms and arched up against her mouth.

Lena knew it didn't take much to mark Stef's skin - more than once when they first started dating, Stef had to wear a turtleneck instead of the usual black t-shirt under her uniform. But she didn't ease up, even long after she knew she'd accomplished her task. She scraped her teeth over the place she had just sucked and then soothed the hickey with her tongue.

By the time Lena pulled back, Stef was breathing hard, her chest heaving. "Thank you," she said softly.

Lena scooted back up the bed. She pulled the covers aside and held them as Stef slid in underneath the blankets. Stef curled on her side and Lena tucked in behind her. Lena propped her head up on one hand and wrapped the other around Stef's stomach. "I love you," she murmured, kissing Stef's neck. "You're not alone in this. I've got you."

Stef couldn't speak past the lump in her throat. She nodded and reached for Lena's hand. She curled her fingers around Lena's, clasping their hands together. She brought their hands up to her lips and kissed Lena's knuckles. "I know," she croaked. She twisted her head just enough to kiss Lena over her shoulder. "I love you too."


End file.
